diary

it's funny when people talk about their summer romances. we fell in love in the dead of winter. perhaps it was the combined heat of our bodies in a single bed or maybe it was the secret blanket kisses that did it.i held your hand to keep warm and you held my heart in your unspoken words and maybe this was just bound to happen all along. if only you could bring yourself to kiss my perfect painted lips perhaps others would stop seeing us as a joke for acted emotions. we had real intimacy from the beginning but only pretended through actions (i can't remember why; i guess i just wanted to be near you). Closer. like the movie we watched together except with different people. i'm worried i can't write poetically because i'm just in love. i fall in love completely and quickly and suddenly everything is consumed. one day i'll get my prose back.

I'm afraid words mean more to me than they do to other people. Things may be true in a moment but may not be true universally. I love in moments. I used to love in feelings. I'm afraid of the boys who call me beautiful and gorgeous. I want to desperately to believe them but I know they won't mean it by morning. They forget they ever loved me. I'm afraid of those I love temporarily. We mean things once, but only in moments.

Moments last for as long as you let them.

Please forgive me for holding on a little longer than I should.

And here comes the part where I pour my heart out.

This is my space. What I'm going to write is too long for a Tumblr post, and too inappropriate for an email. I can't email you anymore. The hardest part is the loss of contact. That's not true.
We have come to the end of an era. We were beautiful. Amazing. Are we going to say our time was wasted? You were my first. My first everything. And I was yours. We were so in love, and you refused to let me go. Refused. With a d. We loved each other. You loved me. With a d.
I don't know where to go from here. It's sad but true, you were the only thing worth living for. I would've finished a long time ago if not for you, left hanging from a forgotten bridge with my best friend. Death song planned out. Hands clasped as we jumped. I will follow you into the dark.
You gave me reasons to live. Remember the future you promised? Remember how you promised we'd be happy. It was over before it got good. How could you let it end? It shouldn't feel like it is ending.
The words, were calm. I don't know if I feel the same anymore. I don't. But the feelings are still intense. And I tried so, so hard to fix us. It was my turn to fight. Did I do it wrong? What mistake did I make? Maybe I didn't try hard enough. I was not worth fighting back for.
And this knot in my stomach, these lumps in my throat; they won't go away. I'm still nervous, waiting. Waiting for you. I still don't know who I am. I'm still trying. So very hard. You promised I would be happy, I just thought it would be with you.
I can't give you what you want at the moment. I'm not sure what I want. I think I want you. I want to be happy. But happy is with you. You say you still want to make me happy, but you can't. You can't be with me anymore. You've realised you're better than me.
I'm angsty. I don't have time to get better. Too busy. Year 12. Chorals. Oh my God, Chorals. My 'gals are depending on me. How can I tell them that I'll let them down? They're so beautiful. Such lovely girls.
It takes all my energy to go through the motions. Nevermind enjoying myself. But what am I pining for? I don't even love who you are anymore. I don't even know who that is. You won't let me know you. You never did. How did I fall so fast, and why did you love me?
We were so good together. Were.

Ode to D Major.

Who decided you were the happiest chord?
Maybe your chord is happy,
but your key is so sad.
It’s like you’re secretly hiding your sadness with your pretence of bright
because hidden within you have Bmin(7) and F#min.
I don’t know what’s sadder.

The songs written in you always have that flavour.
That melancholy.

You’re the happiest chord with the saddest soul.

Taste the Rainbow

oh my god, amazing.

I'm still here

I have a tumblr. Find me here.

Don't worry. I'll still be back. I'm just posting all my crap over there so you don't have to deal with it :)

Tumblr: Coming soon.

I want a notepad like this. It seems like it'd be useful.