Sunday, March 27, 2011

And here comes the part where I pour my heart out.

This is my space. What I'm going to write is too long for a Tumblr post, and too inappropriate for an email. I can't email you anymore. The hardest part is the loss of contact. That's not true.
We have come to the end of an era. We were beautiful. Amazing. Are we going to say our time was wasted? You were my first. My first everything. And I was yours. We were so in love, and you refused to let me go. Refused. With a d. We loved each other. You loved me. With a d.
I don't know where to go from here. It's sad but true, you were the only thing worth living for. I would've finished a long time ago if not for you, left hanging from a forgotten bridge with my best friend. Death song planned out. Hands clasped as we jumped. I will follow you into the dark.
You gave me reasons to live. Remember the future you promised? Remember how you promised we'd be happy. It was over before it got good. How could you let it end? It shouldn't feel like it is ending.
The words, were calm. I don't know if I feel the same anymore. I don't. But the feelings are still intense. And I tried so, so hard to fix us. It was my turn to fight. Did I do it wrong? What mistake did I make? Maybe I didn't try hard enough. I was not worth fighting back for.
And this knot in my stomach, these lumps in my throat; they won't go away. I'm still nervous, waiting. Waiting for you. I still don't know who I am. I'm still trying. So very hard. You promised I would be happy, I just thought it would be with you.
I can't give you what you want at the moment. I'm not sure what I want. I think I want you. I want to be happy. But happy is with you. You say you still want to make me happy, but you can't. You can't be with me anymore. You've realised you're better than me.
I'm angsty. I don't have time to get better. Too busy. Year 12. Chorals. Oh my God, Chorals. My 'gals are depending on me. How can I tell them that I'll let them down? They're so beautiful. Such lovely girls.
It takes all my energy to go through the motions. Nevermind enjoying myself. But what am I pining for? I don't even love who you are anymore. I don't even know who that is. You won't let me know you. You never did. How did I fall so fast, and why did you love me?
We were so good together. Were.