Sunday, July 11, 2010

When there's nothing left to say

I really really do not want to go to school tomorrow. The fact that I have school tomorrow makes me sad.
Oh Barney Stinson. Why can't we all be as awesome as you?
(By the way, I heard that Ted Mosby guy is jerk)

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Isolated embraces

Last night I went out. It was just a small gathering and everything was cosy and just the way I like it. It was sad, because it still felt like something was missing, and I felt worse after realising that things couldn't be more perfect. The problem clearly lies with me. To feel so isolated despite being surrounded by people who care about you is the worst loneliness... Someone please stop me now before I suffocate in self pity.
Oh please. I'm discovering myself, and in the meantime it means I don't feel so sad. I'm still figuring out what I feel; maybe I don't. And truth be told, I don't know what's worse. So darling, if you don't mind I'll keep holding you tighter, I'll kiss you deeper in the hope that I'll feel something.

(I know I said I didn't have more work to put up, but I lied. I should have said that I don't have any more good work to put up. This is still mine. I don't like it very much)

Dear Mr. Drunk-man on the train:
I know I'm probably the first person to say this to you, or even to think it; but I respect you. Or at least I understand you. I can see myself in your shoes. And your thoughts on life? Yes, life is a struggle. God only knows what you've been through. You've probably already drunk your memories away. And yes, in a way the human struggle can be compared to crucifixion. The ultimate sacrifice.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

It's clichéd, but I'm really not who you think I am

It never ceases to amuse me when somebody loves me for all the wrong reasons. They think I know who I am, but in reality they've got it all wrong. Preconceived judgements, or even biases and comparisons muddle people up and the image they get of me is rarely accurate. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but people will always be interesting.

(also don't hold out for pretty pictures or interesting graphics. I've vowed never to put up anything that wasn't my own work, and I guess I've used up my only two photos in previous posts... here's holding out for a new camera!)

To acquaintances and the human journey

I've said this before but I know I'm still very much an unknown. Most of my life I've been okay with that, but recently I've been feeling more out of the loop than usual. That's why after I've finished this post I'm going to look around the blogosphere for people I actually know and see what they're up to. Reading about other people's lives reminds me that we're really not that different. They'll be parts of our life journeys that we'll walk together, or even parallel with each other and it's sad to think that we may never cross paths again. (If you're uncomfortable with me following you, let me know and I'll stop)

Think about how many people have touched your heart in some way. How many times has someone's actions meant more to you than they'll ever know? Yet we feel strange telling them, like opening up to our need to connect as human beings is embarrassing. There are so many of you I respect so much. Even if you may not have personally impacted on me, it's a shame you'll never know. If you're reading this and think that maybe I might be referring to you, you're probably right. Not because I'm writing this for a specific person in mind, but because I'm writing this for every single person I have ever had a conversation with or even been lucky enough to be acquainted with. I have never met or even heard of a person I didn't sympathise or empathise with.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Longing for the brighter past

I don't want this just to become a blog about the past, but I wrote this a while ago and I'd like to put it up.

Let’s go back to the past. Or some other time where everything was perfect and beautiful and right. Back to a time where I don’t remember feeling any pain and everything that was done was amazing. With you.

Because I love you. And we had amazing times. And I can’t help thinking that is what is missing when I feel like I’m missing something. I miss you. But that’s not it, because I can miss you when you’re here. Because I’m missing that past you. I miss how we were. How everything was. Back to that bright summer. The brightest summer of my life when all I could remember is the sun shining, everybody’s eyes lighting up. Yours, shining the brightest of all. Just for me. Back to a time when everything was innocent; when all we wanted to do was see each other, hold your hand. When the sight of you coming up to me still set my heart aflutter.

Do you miss that too? Do you miss us? Do you sometimes wish and wonder and want things to go back to the way they were? When everything was perfect, and we didn’t worry about the future. We were too busy living in the moment. When we lived by Carpe Diem and we seized every moment out of every day we spent together. As if there was no tomorrow. And, in a way there never was. Because as much as we want to; as much as anyone wants to; we can never, ever go back. Not ever.

We only have memories. Memories are all that we have to keep us going. Memories remind me why we love each other, why we always will. You don’t leave someone you’ve shared that much with. And if you do, you must do it with as much heartbreak as quiet detachment. And it’s a shame. It’s such a terrible, terrible shame that time works in this way. People grow and move apart at different times and sometimes it feels like we’re not in sync at all. Not with anyone.

Everything you’ve ever wanted will come to you. But that’s just it. You get everything you’ve ever wanted. You’ll only realise that when you’ve got it. And by then you’ll be too afraid to let it go. Because you tell yourself that you’ve wanted it so much, for so long. And the people in your life have all moved on. Or they haven’t, but you have.

This is where time plays its dirty little tricks on us. Two people, wanting each other at different times only to discover that when they’re together; they’re together. But when they’re apart; they’re gone. Almost from each other’s lives. But that’s not to stop them from missing each other. Because they’ll miss the memories. Everything they had. Everything they had come from and experienced together.

Life plays such cruel, terrible tricks on us. And who’s to say “stop it”? Who’s to fight against the bad times? No-one, because we can’t bend or break something that was never whole. Something that was always nothing, except in our own minds. And, for reasons that everybody knows why, we allow ourselves to be hurt; we choose it. Because we know that the deepest, saddest pain is worth one happy memory. One perfect moment, where everything made sense is worth all those heartbreaks. Because pain can only hurt as much as you let it. Memories are carried with you for your whole life, and no-one can ever take them away from you. Once a moment, a memory is created; it is yours to keep, and treasure. Nobody knows why, but lives are lived and souls are given; hearts are broken, and everything falls into place.

I don't know. That was just a rant and this blog is fairly empty so I thought I'd fill it with stuff :)

Sunday, July 4, 2010

To new beginnings, and learning from the past

This is my first post, and I'm really unsure of what to do.
I guess I'll dedicate it to new beginnings stemming from the past.
It's bizarre to think of the beginning of everything, how everything begat everything else. I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason, or at least that we should all learn from our own mistakes. Because, let's face it; we wouldn't be where we are today if we didn't make any mistakes. Everything we do in life affects not only ourselves but the people around us.

Speaking of new beginnings and old pasts, I'm finally learning to be by myself. Don't get me wrong, I know how to be alone (I was independent for a long time before I was dependent) but being alone and being by one's self are completely different concepts. I'm tired of being the outsider, known only by her associations with others. I need to create an identity for myself, love myself because I want to; not because no-one else will. Because when someone came alone and loved me, I forgot to love myself.