Sunday, August 1, 2010

the magnificence of another's life

I hope I never get to the point where I don't feel like I want to know more about a person's life. I wish I knew more about my friends, I wish I knew more about my family. I have always been the awkward one who had trouble maintaining relationships (though not through lack of interest). People who (think they) know me might be very surprised to find out that I really enjoy talking to people. By this I mean I enjoy conversing when I am in a comfortable setting.

For whatever reason I have been told I've come across as anything from annoying (I concede), insane (granted) to a snob. While I will pay the first two, the latter continues to confuse and upset me. The only conceivable explanation for this is that I find it difficult to talk to people (especially for the first time). I can't help feeling self-conscious and inadequate and boring. While I may like talking to people, it still takes a considerable amount of time before I let my guard down.

I am very good at acting confident. I guess this is where the notion of my being a snob comes in. People see me being confident and approachable with my friends, then get offended when I don't approach them or I don't lead the conversation with as much gusto. This doesn't happen often as I'm only really ready to let my guard down when the other person has demonstrated that I can trust them (and it very rarely works the other way).
In short, I guess this all comes down to my terrible self-esteem (which I refuse to do anything about)

This is why I find it much easier to watch and observe passively. You may think it's sly and creepy of me, but I really don't mean any harm. Other people just interest me, which I why I like this collection of finds.

On a different note, being one of the younger ones does have its disadvantages. I'm not talking about the obvious ones where I can't go partying with my friends because I'm not really into that. I'm talking about the realisation that people around you are growing up and you know you're next. I know I shouldn't, but I find the future depressing. It scares me, and I hate it for all the reasons people love it. You never know what's going to happen.. All my friends in the level above are about to graduate from their last year of high school. After that, their whole lives are in front of them. I'm terrified for them, but I'm more terrified for me. I am confident that all of them will find their feet and their way around the world. They'll move on from high school, become independent, make new friends and I don't know what I'll do without them.

It's all just one step closer into adulthood.

No comments:

Post a Comment