Tuesday, August 31, 2010

I love you!

I love you. All. I don't care if you think I don't even know you or if you don't even know me. I love you. Each and every one of you who have walked into my life. You have improved it somehow.
I promise.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

A silent need

So there's a silent need, a want, a hope in all of us. But sometimes we don't know it until we lose what we didn't know could be lost. Then comes the heartbreak, reflection, the broken playbacks. We pour over everything wondering what could be different? Searching ourselves, we may come to some drawn out conclusion. Ultimately self-blame. Self-hate.
Then realisation dawns. We feel so alone. Stuck in this hole, darkness, mist. There's the yearning. Wishing it were different. Random venting. We need to get it out.
I think it helps to have someone there, reading you. Knowing they're there. Even if there isn't complete understanding, there is vibe.

I can't remember life without him (I think I did have good days)

This is actually perfect. I wish I wrote this. It's all relevant. I am so similar to Maria Mena that we're pretty much the same person. I'm her at my age (or she's me at her age). Whichever.
I would sing this to you myself but I don't think you like this song, and we don't have that kind of relationship anyway.

Comfortable as I am
I need your reassurance
And comfortable as you are
You count the days

But if I wanted silence
I would whisper
And if I wanted loneliness
I'd choose to go
And if i liked rejection
I'd audition
And if I didn't love you
You would know

And why can't you just hold me
And how come it is so hard
And do you like to see me broken
And why do I still care
still care

You say you see the light now
At the end of this narrow hall
I wish it didn't matter
I wish I didn't give you all

But if I wanted silence
I would whisper
And if I wanted loneliness
I'd choose to go
And if i liked rejection
I'd audition
And if I didn't love you
You would know

And why can't you just hold me
And how come it is so hard
And do you like to see me broken
And why do I still care

Poor little misunderstood baby
No one likes a sad face
But I can't remember life without him
I think I did have good days
I think I did have good days

And why(why) can't you just hold me
And how come it is so hard
And do you like to see me broken
And why do I still care
Comfortable as I am

Friday, August 20, 2010

Keep the Light On

I don't know when you'll see this, but it is for you (you'll get to it eventually).
This was the best version of this song I could find on youtube, but you know how it goes.
Incidentally I saw a play starring Lisa McCune just recently.

The Whitlams - Keep the Light On
We stumble into each other’s lives and we knock some things over
Try not to make a sound
Each time you reach out, a new shout or shine-on
We run in and fall out, fumble around for the key

I’ll always keep the light on for you
You try so hard to be alive
What else can you do, but close your eyes
You can’t see the beautiful way when you’re burning so bright

Your halfpenny eyes smile like a fire-sale
Everyone’s a suspect, the horses won’t move up the rail

Your sadness, a thief, waits in the hallway
With mail on the floor and 2 birds in the chimney

Thursday, August 19, 2010

(I think I have a problem), I think I think too much

I've been thinking that maybe a lot of our problems are caused by over-thinking. Is it because we don't trust ourselves to feel? Sometimes we just feel the need to make sense of our emotions, to feel guilty for them. I used to do that and I still do. But I've realised there's no point. I know it's easier said than done. It's all well and good for me to say don't think; feel. I know it won't fix anything. But it'll sure as hell will make it stop hurting so much.

For so long I questioned my feelings for you. I wondered and overanalysed and walked around in circles. No, we don't match; and we don't fit. We don't really have much in common. But you make me happy. I like being with you. So, while we're both here we might as well make each other happy.
Save me from the misery my mind has planned for me.

On another note, house drama was amazing. I won't lie; of course I was disappointed when we can equal last. But now I don't care. We had a great time, I had a great time and I know we all put in our best effort.
I'm glad it's over now. I'm exhausted

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Dance of the Lonely

Formal was great. Everything was so beautiful and the food was quite good (although, by dessert I had eaten so much I felt horrible). In the end we didn't end up winning cutest couple, but that's alright. The girl from the other couple came all the way from Canberra to be with her boy. At least I know that we would have won had I come from interstate.
The most surprising part of our night was when Katy Perry turned up during Single Ladies (the boys were doing it perfectly). It was so bizarre and random and everyone was crowded around her trying to take pictures and all. That was strange.
It's a shame they only really played 2 slow dance songs at the very end. I really was looking forward to a slow dance with you.

I wish you had stayed the extra 3 minutes your dad had offered. When you left they played a slow song and I was surrounded by so much love, yet excluded from it all. As I sat by myself almost crying I took comfort in the sympathies of those who recognised the lonely. I got through the night silently falling in love with faceless embraces.

After formal a group of us went to a cocktail bar for a while. I was nearly falling asleep by that stage and wondering why I didn't just go home. While we were waiting for our taxi the following exchange took place:
Drunk girl 1: Hey, Red Suit! Looking good! 100%!
Drunk girl 2: Yeah! Wanna have sex?
Subtlety is lost sometime after happy hour

In the taxi I was silently missing you, wishing for the loneliness to go away.
The burning sensation from the vodka and coke warmed me up right where I needed it.

Thank you for lending me yourselves when I needed you to. Thanks for being there for me.
Thanks for the dance.

(He missed you, you know. When you left and he hadn't gotten a chance to speak to you all night.)

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Wanting Waiting

And again I find myself the one who loves more than she is loved. I want so badly for you to love me but I know you're somewhere else. I am no longer content being the drifter and it seems I need people to stop assuming I have connections elsewhere. There are those for whom I would sacrifice so much and those I already have. And if you knew who you were, would it make any difference at all?

I wonder if you know how many people adore you?

You are dangerous.

Oh God, please love me.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

from the Cobwebs of my mind

Oh, M.
You're adorable. Even though you're a lot older than most of us, we feel a responsibility over you. You're actually the sweetest person I know and we were all hurting with you when you were hurting. Maybe you're unaware of the effect you have on others' lives, but you can light up a whole room with your smile. You're amazing to be around

You took me aside and asked the question, "Are you okay?". Your genuine concern brought a smile to my insides. You breeze through life, but have the capacity to be the crying shoulder.

In case you were wondering, this is about you. (Because we know how you are at understanding metaphors.) This is not about the letter M. I can only hope you'll understand this dedication. Sorry it's late.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Fine, Showers Clearing

I have to apologise for my previous posts. Anyone reading them could be forgiven for thinking that my life was shit. For some reason I've taken to posting when I feel very bad, which only gives readers the skewed impression that I'm always really bad.
Firstly, my life is not shit. It's actually quite good considering what it could be.
I've also portrayed my love life to be somewhat of a disaster. This is not entirely correct. I talk about my boyfriend (I am still reluctant to use that word because I dislike it somewhat) like I am on the verge of leaving. I don't know what I'm going to do, as I am extremely irrational and prone to spontaneous outbursts of stupidity. In reality, he is extremely patient with me. I honestly don't deserve someone who is that good to me, but here we are.

Also, I have recently stumbled across a blog called Hyperbole and a Half and I find it extremely hilarious. It's not for everyone, but I have laughed out loud so many times reading this and would like to draw your attention to the Alot post and the Dog post.

Okay, so I'm going to end my post here. (I wish I had awesome thought provoking images/words but I don't.) If you're reading this, thanks :)

Happiness is a Habit [I've yet to acquire]

Life has funny ways of working things out. Lying on the floor bawling my eyes out isn't exactly where I would like to be right now, but at the moment all I want to do is drown in self pity.

I don't know what to do with myself. I know what I'd like to do (see you) but at the moment I'm kept at home. You make things difficult for me. (I hate what you do to me.) I want so badly to stop wanting you, or at least lessen my feelings a little bit.

Love shouldn't hurt.

I'm scared of everything but the past. I'm scared to stay with you, but at the same time I'm terrified to leave you. You're all I've known for such a very long time.

I feel so awkward around your family. It would make it easier if they didn't dislike me as much. I never know what to say to them and everything I do seems justification enough for them to dislike me further.


Formal is killing me. It shouldn't stress me out so much. (It's not even my formal)

I swear I should never be allowed to get married. I'm already enough of a datezilla.

God, I could use some pizza right now

Friday, August 6, 2010

Oh my, it seems I have a bit of Pizza in my Teeth

How awesome is pizza? Pizza has been in my life for as long as I can remember, really. And it never gets old. Pizza is a known comfort food. It's there through thick and thin (crusts) and always makes you feel good.
I'll be honest here. I haven't always been kind to pizza. There was a time where I took it for granted. And then there was a time where I didn't have it at all. When I had pizza again (which wasn't for a while) I couldn't believe how much I missed it. It was just so good.
The best part about pizza is that it tastes better the older it is.
(Okay, maybe not. That was a bad metaphor. You probably shouldn't eat it if it's over a day old. But you know what I mean. 12 year old pizza is probably not as good as I make it out to be)

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Belonging Eloquence

I want to love again. I want to feel loved. I want the feeling of flying, that rushing joy and the swallowing worlds. head spin. I want your hands to want mine. Smile in your eyes. The expression of bliss when you look at me. In short, I think I miss you. In short, we belong together (at least for now). In short, the future is long and I'm scared.

Hold me.

He called me beautiful
And suddenly
Nothing else mattered

Monday, August 2, 2010

Spamming Lonely

Just a random compilation of things I've written
(note: all of these are very old).
There's a lot more, but I've handpicked these because I don't hate them.
I figured I'd post them here so my other posts would have friends

Reason for Beauty

If images we are constantly bombarded with
can be seen as beautiful;
How come there are so many of us
who think we are ugly?

Maybe we don’t look in the mirror enough.

Life Vines

Just a little something

It was about a year and a half ago

when our Life Vines first started to entwine

And, like our fingers interlaced

now I cannot tell where I end

and you begin

And this whole time

our Life Vines have pulled us in

I have been consumed by you

It's hard to be Human these days

Title is so wrong, but I'll live.

It’s intense;
missing you while you’re already here.
And it seems that every time I’m with you
I miss you all the more

Thoughts of a Former Acrophobic

Acrophobia: extreme or irrational fear of heights.

You’ve said,
That at this time
We’re the closest we can be.
But maybe that’s just it.
When you’ve reached your highest point,
do you still keep climbing?
or do you just wait to fall?
Maybe this is what Love is all about.
Living and Loving
without fear of falling.
Because at least when I fall
I can fall for you all over again.

Spin Cycle

Your voice on the line.
I tell you I’m fine.
My stomach churns
and my tears come
to wash away my emotions.


You write love on my arms,
which means you save me.
But saving me means you can only keep me
from falling off the ledge, while
I’m still there.
I clutch to you while I feel you pull away.
It’s worse than not being with you at all,
and I think,
Ending all communication would be easier.
I have to stop needing you somehow.

I don’t want to love you anymore.
I want to fall in love with you again

Sunday, August 1, 2010

the magnificence of another's life

I hope I never get to the point where I don't feel like I want to know more about a person's life. I wish I knew more about my friends, I wish I knew more about my family. I have always been the awkward one who had trouble maintaining relationships (though not through lack of interest). People who (think they) know me might be very surprised to find out that I really enjoy talking to people. By this I mean I enjoy conversing when I am in a comfortable setting.

For whatever reason I have been told I've come across as anything from annoying (I concede), insane (granted) to a snob. While I will pay the first two, the latter continues to confuse and upset me. The only conceivable explanation for this is that I find it difficult to talk to people (especially for the first time). I can't help feeling self-conscious and inadequate and boring. While I may like talking to people, it still takes a considerable amount of time before I let my guard down.

I am very good at acting confident. I guess this is where the notion of my being a snob comes in. People see me being confident and approachable with my friends, then get offended when I don't approach them or I don't lead the conversation with as much gusto. This doesn't happen often as I'm only really ready to let my guard down when the other person has demonstrated that I can trust them (and it very rarely works the other way).
In short, I guess this all comes down to my terrible self-esteem (which I refuse to do anything about)

This is why I find it much easier to watch and observe passively. You may think it's sly and creepy of me, but I really don't mean any harm. Other people just interest me, which I why I like this collection of finds.

On a different note, being one of the younger ones does have its disadvantages. I'm not talking about the obvious ones where I can't go partying with my friends because I'm not really into that. I'm talking about the realisation that people around you are growing up and you know you're next. I know I shouldn't, but I find the future depressing. It scares me, and I hate it for all the reasons people love it. You never know what's going to happen.. All my friends in the level above are about to graduate from their last year of high school. After that, their whole lives are in front of them. I'm terrified for them, but I'm more terrified for me. I am confident that all of them will find their feet and their way around the world. They'll move on from high school, become independent, make new friends and I don't know what I'll do without them.

It's all just one step closer into adulthood.